I confronted something ugly in myself today. It was during light sparring. An ugly voice crept inside my head. You don’t belong anywhere. No one loves you. I lost my spirit. I took heavy hits to the stomach. Lalo kept going, punching me. It was like that for the other fights. I really had to force myself to fight back, to move into the punches. After we did an abs workout, but all my energy was sapped. Something just kept saying I don’t belong to anyone, anywhere. I want to say the dating apps have been contributing to this. Girls sometimes don’t want to talk to me, and I’m tired of the chase. Some days we connect well, but other days it’s like you share important parts of yourself and it goes away. Lately nothing seems to last. Food doesn’t make me happy again. I’m just… lonely.
I was drenched today. I had this dead look in my eyes. Couldn’t even lift my arms. What happened I asked myself? What hurt me this badly? I’m usually the first one in class, the last one out. One more sparring session. Aziz and I fought after class and it was good bouncing back into it. I was able to be agile again, dodging punches and pushing back. A few punches to the face, but it was good. Today was just strange.
The truth is I haven’t been pushing myself as much as I should have. And the class proved it. I gassed out. I laid on the mat, staring at the ceiling, angry with myself. I’m a loser. I’m weak. I did so many bad things in the past.
I’m supposed to cut down on sugar. I’m supposed to stop smoking cigarettes. I’m supposed to someone great. Instead I got a fucking muffin after work because I wanted some sort of comfort… My birthday is right around the corner, and I hope no one celebrates it. The truth is I’m not happy I was born. That sounds emo and stupid, but it’s true. I’m just trying to be my best. I always tried to be good to others, until I realized I wasn’t… I don’t know I need some days to just figure myself out. The deadline to move out is coming up…