Picking myself up

I confronted something ugly in myself today. It was during light sparring. An ugly voice crept inside my head. You don’t belong anywhere. No one loves you. I lost my spirit. I took heavy hits to the stomach. Lalo kept going, punching me. It was like that for the other fights. I really had to force myself to fight back, to move into the punches. After we did an abs workout, but all my energy was sapped. Something just kept saying I don’t belong to anyone, anywhere. I want to say the dating apps have been contributing to this. Girls sometimes don’t want to talk to me, and I’m tired of the chase. Some days we connect well, but other days it’s like you share important parts of yourself and it goes away. Lately nothing seems to last. Food doesn’t make me happy again. I’m just… lonely.

I was drenched today. I had this dead look in my eyes. Couldn’t even lift my arms. What happened I asked myself? What hurt me this badly? I’m usually the first one in class, the last one out. One more sparring session. Aziz and I fought after class and it was good bouncing back into it. I was able to be agile again, dodging punches and pushing back. A few punches to the face, but it was good. Today was just strange.

The truth is I haven’t been pushing myself as much as I should have. And the class proved it. I gassed out. I laid on the mat, staring at the ceiling, angry with myself. I’m a loser. I’m weak. I did so many bad things in the past.

I’m supposed to cut down on sugar. I’m supposed to stop smoking cigarettes. I’m supposed to someone great. Instead I got a fucking muffin after work because I wanted some sort of comfort… My birthday is right around the corner, and I hope no one celebrates it. The truth is I’m not happy I was born. That sounds emo and stupid, but it’s true. I’m just trying to be my best. I always tried to be good to others, until I realized I wasn’t… I don’t know I need some days to just figure myself out. The deadline to move out is coming up…

 

Waves

 

Hulu started out crazy. I was given 20 minutes to prepare for a project that would take an hour to set up. About 60 people came for the project, almost all together. But I powered through it, and the rest of the day went really well. Everyone was happy. Talked to some interesting people, and decided I rather swim in the ocean than wait in traffic. Beneath the waves, I got scared when I couldn’t feel the floor for a while. I couldn’t see clearly. The endless waves gave me some anxiety as I thrashed about. I swam back to shore. It’s funny how swim trunks outline your dick perfectly for everyone to see. As I waited for my trunks to dry, I saw a girl smiling at me. She ran out the water and down the beach a few times. She would glance at me, and then smile at me. We passed each other more than once as I made my way down the pier. I wished I talked to her. I sat in my car, watching the sun set, and ate some sandwiches I scored for freeee. Outside, two sisters were fighting over a sweater. It reminded me of your story of how you and sister fought over clothes. Somehow, I found it endearing.

The day before, I drove an U-Haul Truck all around LA picking up things and dropping off things. I was coated with three layers of sweat! Anyways, as I was working through the day, I had this thought that kinda pierced me. Although I’ll never know what people are really thinking about me, I can kind of surmise their thoughts based on their body language. And as I become more open with my weirdness, some people sometimes seem baffled by the things I say and how I act. I’m happier talking to myself and being weird though. I also had this thought that I want to examine more: is my life not completely what I want because I don’t have enough conviction to make it so? I want to say most of my wishes have been fulfilled in a monkey’s paw kind of manner. It was never what I expected, but in a sense, it did bring me what I asked for.

I submitted my USC application! There’s room for doubt, but I feel good and right about it? I also walked in on some guy taking a shit TWICE. It’s completely his fault! What, you didn’t lock the door after the first time? What, you think in a crowded cafe, no one else would use bathroom. Come on, bro haha! To be honest, it was pretty funny when he exclaimed,’I’m taking a freaking poop!’ Life is just a weird balance act among so many different personalities…

I’m working on removing my ego more and more. It’s the part of me that gets butt hurt about stuff when the answer is to circumnavigate the situation through hard work, through humor, or something else! And a lot of the times, it’s just a miscommunication, or a collision of two people doing what they think is right. I see people with big egos and I can’t help thinking they make life so much more difficult for everyone around them. But maybe I’m being too judgmental.

 

Love is a dreamer’s dream,  fantasy of another land I long parted. Or I’m a bitter old man! I’ve stepped into the weirdlands of casual dating. Dating is another animal! I’m still used to  being in boyfriend mode. The funniest part of is the more I understand myself and who I need in my life, the less people I can be with. I use to think I could get along with anyone. Maybe this is a step to finding a healthy relationship -what’s that though?! There is a fat pigeon perched on top of a fountain and it’s jiggling, and I am a human typing on a computer outside.

 

 

Today was a good day

Toy story 4 brought me laughter and tears. I haven’t enjoyed a movie like this for a long time. I got major themes of letting go of the past, and looking forward to life’s possibilities. There were undertones of finding love, being abandoned, and learning to love again (as well as allowing oneself to be loved again). I know you’re supposed to identify with protagonists, but I really connected with Woody’s story, especially his stupidly loyal personality and his nostalgic outlook. It’s this idea that life will pass you by if you hang too closely to things and people who are no longer around.

These days, I hurt less from you. Some days, I’m happy again. There’s a girl I’m excited to see when she comes back from her trip. It’s a sad reality (and maybe not), but I’ll try to be better than who I was for her. And maybe in some universal, karmic sense, it’s the way I can pay tribute to our time together. And if not for her, then someone more worthy. Though I have a good feeling about her.

I jumped into the deep end at the pool – several times! A year ago, I couldn’t swim. But I faced my fear by swimming in the ocean. I’m happy to see my friend, and he seemed to really like my gift. It was nice, talking and seeing the comfort I can bring to people. Earlier in the morning, I hugged my friend’s mom who was stressed about work and I talked to her about not worrying about my friend because he’s becoming someone capable. At night, I brought joy to my family when they were fighting. I cracked a few jokes and talked about how we need to come together as a family. Although I lost you, I still have so much in life: friends, family, myself, my talents, my discipline etc.

I guess this is weird to say but I’m liking the person in the mirror. He’s the hardest working at my job. He’s the hardest working in boxing. He’s the kindest person I know. People tell me this a lot. People call me hardcore. They look to me to take charge. They look to me for instruction. And I do my best. I like this version of me…

My therapist was saying how she believed my true self is finally coming out. She theorized that given my childhood, given my past self, I was always trying to be someone I thought I had to be to help him or her or whomever. But lately, this is the real me emerging. And although I scream to myself in public and speak gibberish in the supermarkets, I’m starting to see the effect of my presence. I’m becoming someone amazing. I’m kicking ass at work. I’m applying to USC, a prestigious school, and I’m doing my best every day to face my demons. I’m mentally stronger. I’m physically in top shape. Sorry, this isn’t meant to be a bragging session. It’s just to say… maybe I can enjoy the fruits of my labor… even for a little.

Even then, life keeps going and so should I…. I’m trying everyday! I remember I was walking to my car one day and I just screamed I’m trying my best! This lady looked to be like wtf haha.

 

 

Loveless caress, senses satisfied
A bed, a nest, a broken thing on ruffled sheets
Sighing, and yet nothing –nothing.
Stumble in our nakedness to get dressed
Don’t linger. Don’t stay. I’ll drive you home.
When did sex become no more than release?
Casual release – you’re not a woman I love
And I’m not a man you love.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m capable of loving again.

294

Three points away from the minimum 297. I remember feeling disappointment in my gut, kinda like getting jabbed actually. Then I accepted it was my own fault for not studying enough (I mean I did 4 hours at least 4 times a week for the last 3 weeks). Something possessed me to add the scores again. And it turns out I scored 304! I almost slammed my fists down on the table in the quiet room. I added the scores up 10 more times just to make sure I wasn’t being a math idiot. I practically danced out of the testing center. The receptionist was like why are you so happy? Don’t get me wrong – it’s a shit score. But I qualify! They gave me locker 13 on July 13, your birthday… I fucking qualify! It finally feels like I’m not a fucking loser anymore… Like all my hard work and my confronting myself paid off. Next goal, write a damn good letter.

***

For some reason, I haven’t had the desire to write as much lately… I think I’ll always have writing, but it’s a balance of living life as well. I think I’m looking to experience more of life before I tackle projects. Writing is a luxury when you don’t have to depend your life on it, I suppose.

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday

Hello OLD friend. Hope these few days are full of love and fun for you as you spend time with friends, family, and people who make you feel as important and lovely as you are. Tomorrow is a big day for me as well, both in terms of the past and the future. I’m taking the GRE test, which just happened to align on your birthday. Are you doing well? Are you happier? Do you feel more of your own person? Are your relationships with your family improving or maybe they have improved? I’m happy you have found girl friends!

I’m sorry we fought so much. I’m sorry I was discontent with so many things. Looking back, I was really ungrateful. I’m a lot stronger and braver as a person now. I face my demons every day, but I don’t always win the fights. I was scared a lot of the times. I was scared of not being able to protect you, of not being enough to make you happy, of having to shoulder the weight of everything. And some moments, it was so much pressure I’d freak out. Honestly, I felt like a trapped animal, and that’s why I became violent. I wanted to leave you because I didn’t want to be hurt losing you. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore… I wanted to hurt you because I wanted to see how much you loved me. Because that’s how my mom taught me to love, and that was really stupid and wrong of me. I’m not excusing myself. I just understand now. I’m sorry for many things, but I’m the most sorry to making you think the worst parts of us was anything of love. Please believe me when I say I really did love you with my entire being. But it was a bad, toxic relationship. There’s a lot I want to know about you, but it’s not my privilege anymore. I will always wish you the best.

HEYYYY it’s your birthday, so I want to talk about happier things. One day as I was driving, I found myself talking like mittens. Haha, it made me laugh the hardest in a long while. Just how silly we were. You know they’re still traveling around together, doing mitten things. I saw them puffing around.

My mom and dad are closer than ever. They’re talking and going out together more. They come over, and I take them to eat. Every time I come home, my mom would walk out and show me your flowers planted in our front lawn. She occasionally tells me she misses you. Even if I am only someone in your past now, I hope you can at least use our time together to understand and find what you really want and need from a partner. I hope you become a capable dietitian – you always had the kindest heart.

I still haven’t forgiven myself. I will carry this hurt for a long time, but it hurts in a good way lately; it gives me an appreciation of life. Thank you for being the one person who made me change, from finally walking away from me. I owe so much to you. Happy birthday, ye old fart.

Always,

Alan

She’s not the one & I’m a little dead inside

I made her fish tacos, which I’m surprised came out really well. We had a picnic by a lake. Then we went to the Rose Bowl, where we walked around the entrance’s fairgrounds. She’s quite the eater so we got nachos, popcorn, lemonade, and other snacks. We hiked up to this neighborhood where a bunch of people were waiting for fireworks. When the first one exploded, I recoiled because it was so close! She curled up next to me during the fireworks show, but things simply didn’t feel right. She’s not the one for me. We ended the night agreeing we weren’t looking for anything serious. And that’s the last time I’ll see her.

In order to find the right partner, you have to first know the qualities you need her to have. Well I’ve been thinking about this and I would appreciate these things in a woman: punctuality (time is valuable because you can’t have it back), compassion, a strong sense of self, open-mindedness, a giving nature, independence. My therapist said in order to find these things, you have to manifest these aspects in yourself. Although I’ve always been orientated to search for love in life, I do think I have to focus on developing myself in all directions. Maybe I need to let the hopeless romantic part of me die. It always seems like I’ll find something when I stop looking for it.

Some lessons in life I’ve stumbled across:

-People are out for their own interests (a situation of mutual benefit is ideal)
-Demeanor and outlook are crucial to how one’s life plays out
-Pain can be overridden
-Fear, depression, anxiety are biological problem-solving mechanisms
-Confrontation and conflicts are inevitable – better to be a samurai in a garden than a gardener in a war field
-Expect the worst and hope for the best
-Caring less and doing more is a good solution for me
-I exist separately internally and externally; the only way to bridge the two is to live truthfully to who I am
-A person only has 1 life, and that should mean a person should live that life in every way he wants to live that life (unless that entails intentionally hurting others, or bringing pain to others).
-Try something before saying it’s not for you…
-Letting people help you can be an act of compassion