Happy Birthday

Hello OLD friend. Hope these few days are full of love and fun for you as you spend time with friends, family, and people who make you feel as important and lovely as you are. Tomorrow is a big day for me as well, both in terms of the past and the future. I’m taking the GRE test, which just happened to align on your birthday. Are you doing well? Are you happier? Do you feel more of your own person? Are your relationships with your family improving or maybe they have improved? I’m happy you have found girl friends!

I’m sorry we fought so much. I’m sorry I was discontent with so many things. Looking back, I was really ungrateful. I’m a lot stronger and braver as a person now. I face my demons every day, but I don’t always win the fights. I was scared a lot of the times. I was scared of not being able to protect you, of not being enough to make you happy, of having to shoulder the weight of everything. And some moments, it was so much pressure I’d freak out. Honestly, I felt like a trapped animal, and that’s why I became violent. I wanted to leave you because I didn’t want to be hurt losing you. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore… I wanted to hurt you because I wanted to see how much you loved me. Because that’s how my mom taught me to love, and that was really stupid and wrong of me. I’m not excusing myself. I just understand now. I’m sorry for many things, but I’m the most sorry to making you think the worst parts of us was anything of love. Please believe me when I say I really did love you with my entire being. But it was a bad, toxic relationship. There’s a lot I want to know about you, but it’s not my privilege anymore. I will always wish you the best.

HEYYYY it’s your birthday, so I want to talk about happier things. One day as I was driving, I found myself talking like mittens. Haha, it made me laugh the hardest in a long while. Just how silly we were. You know they’re still traveling around together, doing mitten things. I saw them puffing around.

My mom and dad are closer than ever. They’re talking and going out together more. They come over, and I take them to eat. Every time I come home, my mom would walk out and show me your flowers planted in our front lawn. She occasionally tells me she misses you. Even if I am only someone in your past now, I hope you can at least use our time together to understand and find what you really want and need from a partner. I hope you become a capable dietitian – you always had the kindest heart.

I still haven’t forgiven myself. I will carry this hurt for a long time, but it hurts in a good way lately; it gives me an appreciation of life. Thank you for being the one person who made me change, from finally walking away from me. I owe so much to you. Happy birthday, ye old fart.

Always,

Alan