Waves

 

Hulu started out crazy. I was given 20 minutes to prepare for a project that would take an hour to set up. About 60 people came for the project, almost all together. But I powered through it, and the rest of the day went really well. Everyone was happy. Talked to some interesting people, and decided I rather swim in the ocean than wait in traffic. Beneath the waves, I got scared when I couldn’t feel the floor for a while. I couldn’t see clearly. The endless waves gave me some anxiety as I thrashed about. I swam back to shore. It’s funny how swim trunks outline your dick perfectly for everyone to see. As I waited for my trunks to dry, I saw a girl smiling at me. She ran out the water and down the beach a few times. She would glance at me, and then smile at me. We passed each other more than once as I made my way down the pier. I wished I talked to her. I sat in my car, watching the sun set, and ate some sandwiches I scored for freeee. Outside, two sisters were fighting over a sweater. It reminded me of your story of how you and sister fought over clothes. Somehow, I found it endearing.

The day before, I drove an U-Haul Truck all around LA picking up things and dropping off things. I was coated with three layers of sweat! Anyways, as I was working through the day, I had this thought that kinda pierced me. Although I’ll never know what people are really thinking about me, I can kind of surmise their thoughts based on their body language. And as I become more open with my weirdness, some people sometimes seem baffled by the things I say and how I act. I’m happier talking to myself and being weird though. I also had this thought that I want to examine more: is my life not completely what I want because I don’t have enough conviction to make it so? I want to say most of my wishes have been fulfilled in a monkey’s paw kind of manner. It was never what I expected, but in a sense, it did bring me what I asked for.

I submitted my USC application! There’s room for doubt, but I feel good and right about it? I also walked in on some guy taking a shit TWICE. It’s completely his fault! What, you didn’t lock the door after the first time? What, you think in a crowded cafe, no one else would use bathroom. Come on, bro haha! To be honest, it was pretty funny when he exclaimed,’I’m taking a freaking poop!’ Life is just a weird balance act among so many different personalities…

I’m working on removing my ego more and more. It’s the part of me that gets butt hurt about stuff when the answer is to circumnavigate the situation through hard work, through humor, or something else! And a lot of the times, it’s just a miscommunication, or a collision of two people doing what they think is right. I see people with big egos and I can’t help thinking they make life so much more difficult for everyone around them. But maybe I’m being too judgmental.

 

Love is a dreamer’s dream,  fantasy of another land I long parted. Or I’m a bitter old man! I’ve stepped into the weirdlands of casual dating. Dating is another animal! I’m still used to  being in boyfriend mode. The funniest part of is the more I understand myself and who I need in my life, the less people I can be with. I use to think I could get along with anyone. Maybe this is a step to finding a healthy relationship -what’s that though?! There is a fat pigeon perched on top of a fountain and it’s jiggling, and I am a human typing on a computer outside.