As friendly as I appear, the truth is I’m not exactly sociable. I’m a loner. I spent most of my birthday alone, eating at a restaurant I like. Then I watched Fast and Furious, during which I felt like some of my brain cells self-destructed. I walked around and finally came out of my hiding to meet my friend. He was one of the few people to remember my birthday, so I thought it was really sweet. We watched the sunset by a pond. Electrical wiring sat beyond the trees, and they looked so misplaced but strangely fitting against the saturated sky. A breeze swept across the pond and rattled the reeds before us. I remember the ducks quaking like gossip. I haven’t enjoyed a sunset as much in a long time.
I keep looking for love, but I think I just need to live my life. It seems like I always have more girls talking to me when I’m just doing my own thing. I have to have fun along the way, and just remember dating and love are two different things. Attraction is a strange thing too. For some reason, gay guys hit on me a lot. Is it my mustache?
There’s enough ceiling windows to let in filtered sunlight. I like jumping rope near the spotlights, where I whip up torrents of dust. I’m kinda impressed by how well I jump rope lately. I can do double-unders, I can dance, jumping jacks, and move about the room with ease now. My morning workouts make me feel alive and true to myself. I feel so contained in life sometimes by how I appear, how I should act, what to say etc. My skin feels like a prison, and to be able to explode out of it by slamming the heavy bag or sparring -there’s nothing like it. When I’m drenched in sweat trying to find strength and the mural of Ali looms before me, there’s almost a feeling of transcendence. When my coach slaps a 25lb weight on my back while I plank for 5 minutes, I finally escape my prison…
And oh when the gym blasts these songs with the bass, I feel so lost and free
I’m trying to be more mindful of the beautiful moments I get to experience. It sounds stupid and lame, but when I remind myself how interesting life can be, the mundane things in life become more interesting. Like… waiting at little caesers for shitty pizza, but that’s not something I do often so it was it was cool sitting there beneath the fluorescent light and just being with a father and son who do it regularly and you can tell it makes them happy.
It’s been up and down lately… I hurt less lately.