Good Poop

Well it didn’t work out with her. At least, I don’t think it worked out. We stopped talking completely. I don’t like how empty I feel, but it goes to show that I haven’t learned my lessons. I’m still depending my happiness on one person and that’s only going to lead to unhealthy relationships. It just kind of sucks, feeling I did something wrong. I mean it was a really good date and I felt like I shared a good bit of myself. Is it wrong to express interest? I’m just not sure what mode of life I should go with. But it seems like the answer to my life is to accept my suffering, embrace the hard work that is coming my way, and become strong enough to bear it. I hate to be so whiny, but this is my blog goddamn it! It seems my life will be a difficult one, especially peering down the road. Maybe I’m minimizing the difficulties others face, but it seems like I was made to become someone strong. It’s that or crumble beneath the weight of it all.

Looking at the cost of USC kind of scares me shitless. But HEY I got in! I’m of the 5%! This is my reward – more work! I was made to work tirelessly. I was made to be lonely. I was made to repent for my sin because I wasn’t strong enough to break the chain. But I’m reminding myself that I’m kind of special as well. I got a job out of hundreds of applicants. I’m the only one who has brought in so much money to a nonprofit that people from other nonprofits are surprised and ask me about how to do it. I’m genetically made to make that heavy bag ring! I was made to have that bounce in my legs. I was made to be tough…

I have to learn to be happy by myself. Yesterday, I just kind of laid on the floor and wondered why I was feeling so low. I want to belong to someone, to somewhere. But maybe the answer is to just accept that I don’t. I’m… different. I’m weird. I was always the black sheep. I just get lonely, but fuck that.



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