Yesterday I got smacked up during a sparring match. He knocked the air out of me and I doubled over. He smacked my temple and I crumbled. People had to stop the fight. Thinking back, I was moving forward too much. The headgear made it difficult to see. That and being too close made me an easy target. Next time, I should try to use my good footwork. It was a good reminder to keep my hands up, double up my jabs, and have more head movement. Anyways, the entire day was just a haze.

I’ve had this feeling before. I was worried I’d be like this forever. It was like living through an exaggerated stream of consciousness. A flood of memories would flow to to random thoughts. Some were troubling. Some were happy… Thoughts would take over my entire concentration. I’d lose focus for minutes, and then it’d all just dissipate. Nothingness. I was back to the present. People were going about their days around me. Chatter, the sound of cars, birds in the trees. Emptiness, my mind would stop thinking and it felt like I had some peace.

I know it sounds like I got concussed! I want to say I’m afraid of getting punched again, but I want to do better next time… A vivid memory that surfaced: being hit by my mom, and then me hitting my ex. There’s nothing like the fear, the betrayal, the anxiety after. I want to burn these memories into my being.

I don’t know. It feels like I’m onto the next phase in my life. I’m moving out in 2 days. I start school in two weeks. My parents are moving away soon. But these are good things. I have something to strive to. Plus I’m waiting on my running shoes because my feet are fucked uppp.

Things I want to focus on:

-things I have in my life, rather than things I don’t have
-growth mentality. I’m not the smartest, strongest. But I work hard, and I can learn
-things change, but I can make things change in better ways
-becoming a whole enough person…