I’m so scared

There’s so much reading and projects coming after one another. I’m terrified. Everyone in my class is so accomplished and well into their careers. Some people already have Phds. Some people… Idk, I should stop. They have backgrounds with statistics and psychology. This week was overwhelming, but I pushed through. I have two projects due this weekend. There’s a big event on Sunday. Behind on reading. My mind is weak, I made bad choices all day. Eating, buying stupid shit. I don’t feel… good. But I have to be strong. No one will save me.

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Big Dump

The busier I’ve been with work, school, and life, the more I want to write down the thoughts that have been burdensome. At this point, writing is like taking an emotional dump. Heh, there’s nothing flattering about the imagery of that. I imagine tears while I’m taking a shit. Anyways I’m realizing I need outlets for dumps. When I take a shit at the gym every morning, I think to myself how wonderful it is that I can go there to literally take a dump and figuratively dump all my burdens and stress.

It’s a strange thing to suddenly recognize improvements. I think the thing about physical exercise is that you can tangibly see the improvements. I just noticed but my jabs and cross have a twist to them now. It turns at my shoulder, my elbow, and even at the wrist. They’re timed to match the rotation in my hips and together, it’s pretty explosive. I remember I wasn’t able to do this when I first started.  At least it never clicked!

I need to keep my hands up when I box. The times I got absolutely slammed, I kept forgetting to keep my guard up. Thinking about boxing, it’s kind of a weird movement. It doesn’t feel natural. The guard of the arms and the sliding of the gloves to shield hits, there’s a certain awkwardness to it? Well maybe one day it’ll click. I need to work on head movement too. We have this medieval rock taped to a chord and you pretty much just swing it and try to dodge it. I got whacked a few times, and it hurts!

Maybe it’s the caffeine kicking in, but I’m in happier spirits. I have a stress eating problem lately. Lots of sugar and caffeine. I need to work on self control… I guess I’m just trying to feel some sort of comfort. Last night I ate dinner, but I just didn’t feel… full or happy or whatever? So I kept eating and I felt awful after. At the end of the day… I think I just miss cuddling with you.

This is stupid sad, but when a girl ran her hands through my hair I thought of you. I already forgot her name…

A fucking penny in a wishing well

I’m reading Coming Apart: Why Relationships End. It’s written by a marriage therapist and was recommended my therapist lol. There’s a lot of good stuff in it, and I recommend it.

Anyways, there was a point in the book about how relationships are used by either partner as a tool for self development. In that process, our relationship with our parents are explored, mirrored, and then strangely lived through again.

It’s argued that relationships might end when one party or both feel that his or her development has ended. This is connected to our relationship bc our development is connected to a deficiency in how our parents loved us or cared for us. And until someone recognizes that deficiency and addresses it, there is a great possibility of having similar relationships.

That horrifies me. I reflected and I think our relationship was similar to you and your mom’s relationship. You kept trying to seek my approval, and at times it must have felt like the love wasn’t there. Abusive words and action was normalized as how we expressed affection or love. I recognized her action as abusive and I recognized I was no better… and now I worry for you. Please recognize this so you don’t make similar mistakes as you did with me…

But I have high hopes for you… what I did was wrong and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. But I think the trajectory of your development with me was becoming a stronger person, learning confidence, finding value in yourself, and seeing that you have your own path to walk. Up until the sad end, probably when your self esteem was at its lowest, it was finally time you realized it was all you and not of me. I was just a guiding figure. So please take care to recognize this. It was no wonder you wanted someone like your father but I don’t think you were developed enough to search for someone like him, someone who says I love you for you. I hope you find a man who can give you that…

you gave me all the love and attention my parents never gave me. You gave me all the encouragement and support they never bothers to. You loved me unconditionally when my parents only saw my flaws and attacked them. You made me feel ready to tackle the world on my own. I’m still developing in that direction, but I also want to be more like your dad. To bring joy and laughter, to be able to bring people together like him… he’s the father I want to become like.  As I learn more about relationship psychology, I better understand that our parents’ effects are very difficult to escape. Please take care of yourself… a fucking penny in a wishing well.

Helpful Perspective

It was really difficult waking up today. I can’t remember all the days I wake up with you right on my mind. I don’t know why I can’t let you go. Well anyways, as I stumbled to my car and drove to Mcdonald’s I started talking to myself. She’s happier being free or with someone else. Be happy for her because you love her. I’m obsessed with possessing her. But that’s your ego speaking. That’s your need to preserve a dead part of your identity.  Let go of things that no longer serve you. You had your time together and you should be happy that there was happiness and love during that time. Nothing can take away that time. Let her be happy. Love her by wishing her the best. And take it upon yourself to find your own happiness and love. Because even though you think she hates you, you know that’s not her personality. She was so forgiving and caring and loving. She would want this of you. Memories just began to stream together. I’m actually learning about associative networks in class!

I guess my network with you so is strong and so deeply embedded that so many things trigger a response. I was walking in a shop when a song played. I wanted to sing it to you on our wedding day. My stomach twisted. I had to duck into a isle and just thought about some stupid shit like a giant dancing cornstalk.

keep keep going. And at the same time I can’t envision a happy and fulfilling life without her… But maybe that’s a failure of my imagination and a limitation of my perspective. A year ago, I never thought I’d go to graduate school, let alone USC. A year ago I never thought I’d be this in shape and running again. A year ago, I couldn’t even envision how much I’d enjoy my job…

I guess I’m ending this with the hope that you’re happy today and that something makes you laugh and smile like I use to.

 

 

Self-Portrait

Lines cut across my face now. My expressions crease like folded paper. My features have sharpened. I look older from too much sun exposure, smoking, and probably frowning so much. Sometimes people ask why I have this intense look in my eyes when I stare off into space. I smile crooked with the coming of my wisdom teeth. You can’t tell looking at me but my forehead and cheeks are bruised. My nose hurts and bleed occasionally.

I’m the most muscular I ever been. I didn’t even know I could have muscles on the muscles on my back. They’re from me swinging weighted hammers every day. It’s kinda gross seeing my back contract. I have abs from doing crunches every day. I have love handles from eating too many cookies when I’m sad. I wonder if you’d still think I’m handsome.

A hideous tan line separates my upper body from lower body. My ass is so pasty that a woman laughed at them. My legs are extremely toned from running and jumping rope so much. Tattoos run down my right arm. Burn scars sit on my hand and people are hesitant to ask me about them. I remember carving off the dead flesh so they’d scar.

For a while I wanted to bring my ugliness outside so people can see me for who I am. I imagine I must look very mismatched with my nerdy face and disarming smile. The more I think about myself, the more wrong it feels that you’re not with me. I want to argue with you to show you I’ve changed. I want to lie next to you and feel safe. I want you to hear me snore and be ok with it.

It feels like I never left the desert. I am a hopeless, delusional man when it comes to you. I thought I saw you at a café. My heart felt like it stopped beating. I felt so disappointed when she turned around and it wasn’t you. I hope she didn’t see me frowning at her. I can’t reason these feelings away – I don’t know why. This self-portrait feels incomplete without you.

 

 

 

 

Strange Visions

I asked my coach to hit me today as we practiced mitt work. I suddenly couldn’t do the combo. A strange vision took over. I saw you asking that of your lover. You cried because you were angry with yourself, angry with me, and how things went. I couldn’t focus anymore. In fact I think I was you in this strange lapse of consciousness. I occupied your body?

I still haven’t forgiven myself… And I think that extends to other parts of my life. To be honest I haven’t had any sexual appetite for months now. Whenever I was intimate, it was always the woman who initiated. I’m scared to love because I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. Even when it was in the beginning stages of  dating, I managed to hurt someone by not putting in as much effort into texting. Maybe this is just my fixed mentality, but perhaps I was made to be alone. I am honestly driven by a delusion that I’ll find you again one day. But it gives me hope… I can’t make you my only chance of happiness and a healthy life.

New Orleans keeps appearing in my peripherals. My therapist is going there. I keep seeing videos mention it. I’ve always wanted to go. I think I’ll find something there… But as of now I need to get my finances together… It’s weird thinking that life is basically the continuation of choices. And that it can go on paths dependent on one’s mentality, consciousness, and subconsciousness.

My project helping ex gang members went really well. A large, unexpected crowd showed up – about 60 people. The ex gang members gave a long, but inspiring speech about their lives and how they’re trying to go to college. We then celebrated a volunteer’s birthday. After the event, people were saying good job to me a lot. I don’t really know why I mentioned this, but I guess I want to end this on a positive note.

 

 

 

Relapse and Vent

Today was a rough day. I didn’t let things affect me throughout the day until she texted me saying she felt hurt. Anyways this morning I sat at the edge of my bed, feeling inexplicably isolated and a lot of doubt. I’ve been having 19 hour days, and I’ve been hanging on for the last 2 weeks. I’m a little behind school material, but generally on pace with coursework. I drove to boxing class, and I pushed myself pretty hard today. If I were to honestly measure my efforts, I’d say I gave 50%. There were a few moments when my body wanted to stop and I allowed myself to. Moving past Goggin’s 40% has been a lot more difficult because I’ve allowed my mind to grow soft again. I’ve been eating a lot more sugar, and of course there was a diabetes scare when my left leg would go numb randomly throughout the day.

After class I jumped into sparring with a USC professor! Needless to say, he kicked my ass lol. I got a few good shots in at close range and evaded a few punches. I was able to corner him, moving to the right more. He punched my gut, but this time I was able to push it off. We clashed again, and suddenly he got me with an overhand right. I literally flew to a corner of the ring. I stumbled back, trying to hold my ground when my legs gave. I gave myself a few seconds of rest, and bounced straight up. But the people at the gym stopped the fight then.

After the fight I felt OK. No initial dizziness like last time. But when the adrenaline wore off, my stomach felt knotted and a spaciness crept in as the day went on. I did my best to prepare for tomorrow’s volunteer project – one that I came up with actually! We’re packing backpacks for ex gang members who want to attend college. Anyways, that took longer than I wanted it to. Around 4, she texted me. I looked through out text. The last thing she said was she butt dialed me by accident after I asked if she were OK. I hadn’t respond throughout the week, but she said I ghosted her.

I was waiting for Friday to ask her to meet up and tell her that we can’t keep seeing each other because my feelings for her weren’t all there. It was an ugly subject that I had prepared for, and we never really texted much earlier. She said she felt guilty about everything that went wrong leading up to sex, but I already assured her that it wasn’t her. Anyways, I felt cruddy to have hurt her.  I apologized and explained what had happened. She said she didn’t even know what to say, but she understands… I’m just trying my best to… do good. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I’m realizing that’s life sometimes… Maybe it’s better that I just…be by myself.

My answer is still to swear off girls and dating. I think the right person will come along if I keep doing my own thing and developing myself. And if not then… I’m OK with that. I’m not there yet, but I’m slowly finding happiness being by myself. Well maybe not happiness, but grit? Shrimp and grits.

Oh I bought a pack of cigarettes again. It… sucked. Karma would have it that after I finished my cigarette, my lighter slipped out of my pocket. I sat back down to study, and literally saw a guy pick up my lighter and walk off with it haha.