She makes me feel less lonely. Our personalities vibe well. I can be a lover again. I can comfort her when she’s anxious. I can listen to her troubles and soothe her. I can go on a walk with her when she can’t sleep. I can run my hands through her hair. But I shouldn’t. She’s not the one.
I want to go through this life never hurting anyone anymore. The answer seems to be non-participatory. But this is delusional… I think to my 10 mile runs and how I find a sense of euphoria in my solo adventures. It’s just me out there, doing my own thing, feeling the intensity of life. I have a recurrent vision of climbing a mountain shrouded in golden clouds. When I’m finally able to disassociate my body from physical pain, I get glimpses of this mountain.
There’s no shame in bloody sheets. And if I ever made you feel insecure about them, I’m sorry. There’s no shame in love for being yourself. I asked for more when I should have said you’re perfect. This song captures my naive hopefulness haha.
My dad tells me that marriage and love are two separate things. I want to agree with him, but I know that I must redefine his words and find my own meaning. I’m a little older and I thought about love and relationships a little more. I think I better understand the gravity of Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
My therapist recommended a book, Coming Apart: Why Relationships End. I’m weary of making affirmative statements about my future. I think with everything in my life at the moment, like running, the answer is to keep going forward at my pace.