Relapse and Vent

Today was a rough day. I didn’t let things affect me throughout the day until she texted me saying she felt hurt. Anyways this morning I sat at the edge of my bed, feeling inexplicably isolated and a lot of doubt. I’ve been having 19 hour days, and I’ve been hanging on for the last 2 weeks. I’m a little behind school material, but generally on pace with coursework. I drove to boxing class, and I pushed myself pretty hard today. If I were to honestly measure my efforts, I’d say I gave 50%. There were a few moments when my body wanted to stop and I allowed myself to. Moving past Goggin’s 40% has been a lot more difficult because I’ve allowed my mind to grow soft again. I’ve been eating a lot more sugar, and of course there was a diabetes scare when my left leg would go numb randomly throughout the day.

After class I jumped into sparring with a USC professor! Needless to say, he kicked my ass lol. I got a few good shots in at close range and evaded a few punches. I was able to corner him, moving to the right more. He punched my gut, but this time I was able to push it off. We clashed again, and suddenly he got me with an overhand right. I literally flew to a corner of the ring. I stumbled back, trying to hold my ground when my legs gave. I gave myself a few seconds of rest, and bounced straight up. But the people at the gym stopped the fight then.

After the fight I felt OK. No initial dizziness like last time. But when the adrenaline wore off, my stomach felt knotted and a spaciness crept in as the day went on. I did my best to prepare for tomorrow’s volunteer project – one that I came up with actually! We’re packing backpacks for ex gang members who want to attend college. Anyways, that took longer than I wanted it to. Around 4, she texted me. I looked through out text. The last thing she said was she butt dialed me by accident after I asked if she were OK. I hadn’t respond throughout the week, but she said I ghosted her.

I was waiting for Friday to ask her to meet up and tell her that we can’t keep seeing each other because my feelings for her weren’t all there. It was an ugly subject that I had prepared for, and we never really texted much earlier. She said she felt guilty about everything that went wrong leading up to sex, but I already assured her that it wasn’t her. Anyways, I felt cruddy to have hurt her.  I apologized and explained what had happened. She said she didn’t even know what to say, but she understands… I’m just trying my best to… do good. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I’m realizing that’s life sometimes… Maybe it’s better that I just…be by myself.

My answer is still to swear off girls and dating. I think the right person will come along if I keep doing my own thing and developing myself. And if not then… I’m OK with that. I’m not there yet, but I’m slowly finding happiness being by myself. Well maybe not happiness, but grit? Shrimp and grits.

Oh I bought a pack of cigarettes again. It… sucked. Karma would have it that after I finished my cigarette, my lighter slipped out of my pocket. I sat back down to study, and literally saw a guy pick up my lighter and walk off with it haha.

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