I asked my coach to hit me today as we practiced mitt work. I suddenly couldn’t do the combo. A strange vision took over. I saw you asking that of your lover. You cried because you were angry with yourself, angry with me, and how things went. I couldn’t focus anymore. In fact I think I was you in this strange lapse of consciousness. I occupied your body?
I still haven’t forgiven myself… And I think that extends to other parts of my life. To be honest I haven’t had any sexual appetite for months now. Whenever I was intimate, it was always the woman who initiated. I’m scared to love because I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. Even when it was in the beginning stages of dating, I managed to hurt someone by not putting in as much effort into texting. Maybe this is just my fixed mentality, but perhaps I was made to be alone. I am honestly driven by a delusion that I’ll find you again one day. But it gives me hope… I can’t make you my only chance of happiness and a healthy life.
New Orleans keeps appearing in my peripherals. My therapist is going there. I keep seeing videos mention it. I’ve always wanted to go. I think I’ll find something there… But as of now I need to get my finances together… It’s weird thinking that life is basically the continuation of choices. And that it can go on paths dependent on one’s mentality, consciousness, and subconsciousness.
My project helping ex gang members went really well. A large, unexpected crowd showed up – about 60 people. The ex gang members gave a long, but inspiring speech about their lives and how they’re trying to go to college. We then celebrated a volunteer’s birthday. After the event, people were saying good job to me a lot. I don’t really know why I mentioned this, but I guess I want to end this on a positive note.