My therapist had teary eyes for me. I was talking to her about how I would watch the airplanes every night with the fear that my dad’s plane would blow up. He started leaving for China after 9/11, and it was a constant fear of mine. Among other things such as my mom’s complete reversal of affection then abuse. We talked a lot about how Anne and I differ. How the trajectory of our growth depended on how we saw and felt our parent’s love, or the lack thereof.
You could have turned out way worse. How do I know I really did change?
I’ve been feeling a little strange. As if I’m on the cusp of being all right. But it’s just not there. Something feels amiss… Is it just a sad reality that 8 years can condense into fragmented memories and feelings? I asked my therapist. I’m happy with Sel, but it might just be the high of dating someone. And to be honest, I don’t think it’s going to last… Do we just love a little less with each new partner? Am I simply unlovable? That’s not even the right question. It seems I can be with many kinds of people. But who can love me the way I need to be loved? How do you need to be loved then…
I had four sparring sessions with two strangers this week. The truth is I’m not a fighter; I pull my punches when I land them. But I’m moving well, moving quick. My uppercut and footwork is really coming along; the flow state is coming in quicker as I evade and roll punches. The left hook is made for you! I’m watching Tyson videos, and taking moves from great fighters. Countering is really efficient, but I need work on that. Angles and constant movement seem key.
I know being in the present is really important. But I don’t really recognize myself when I’m in the present. So many things have changed, and I’m trying to find an anchor point… Things just feel a little off at work, with my relationships, and so forth. Maybe I’m being a silly ninny. Sel and I paddled out to a little pond in stupid swan boat. It was beautiful being on the water… We waited for the city lights to turn on, but decided to get pizza instead. She insisted I try her beer. Nope, alcohol still sucks. After a few sips and I got drunk. We drove a nice view and chilled there. I think I just need to stop thinking ahead. to move backwards, you have to move forward. I guess I’m just doing my best to move forward to the next step. Finally signed up for a GRE test, though they were pretty laggy on their end. Should study and finish up my personal statement soon.
Things are going… OH and I got to finish reading this romance novel. I’d be lying if I said I’m not hooked. There was a line that stuck with me. The woman character was saying how she wants to find someone who adores everything she is, and craves nothing that she isn’t. It made me think back, and maybe that’s a sign we were never meant to be. Maybe that’s true love there. But at the same time, maybe that’s just an idea of love instilled in us by dumb romance movies and our new entertainment overlord, Disney. The interesting thing about growing up is realizing people choose their illusions; there is no right or wrong choice either. Sure, it might fuck up your life, but who’s to say there’s one right frame of mind. Life’s interesting that way.
Our minds are programmed to remember negative things more than positive things. Maybe there’s something about survival in that. I want to reprogram my mind to remember positive things as well. And maybe cherishing the positive things is a luxury of thriving. But then again thriving is a stronger word than surviving.