hwee hwee

My therapist had teary eyes for me. I was talking to her about how I would watch the airplanes every night with the fear that my dad’s plane would blow up. He started leaving for China after 9/11, and it was a constant fear of mine. Among other things such as my mom’s complete reversal of affection then abuse. We talked a lot about how Anne and I differ. How the trajectory of our growth depended on how we saw and felt our parent’s love, or the lack thereof.

You could have turned out way worse. How do I know I really did change?

I’ve been feeling a little strange. As if I’m on the cusp of being all right. But it’s just not there. Something feels amiss…  Is it just a sad reality that 8 years can condense into fragmented memories and feelings? I asked my therapist.  I’m happy with Sel, but it might just be the high of dating someone. And to be honest, I don’t think it’s going to last… Do we just love a little less with each new partner? Am I simply unlovable? That’s not even the right question. It seems I can be with many kinds of people. But who can love me the way I need to be loved? How do you need to be loved then…

I had four sparring sessions with two strangers this week. The truth is I’m not a fighter; I pull my punches when I land them. But I’m moving well, moving quick. My uppercut and footwork is really coming along; the flow state is coming in quicker as I evade and roll punches. The left hook is made for you! I’m watching Tyson videos, and taking moves from great fighters. Countering is really efficient, but I need work on that. Angles and constant movement seem key.

I know being in the present is really important. But I don’t really recognize myself when I’m in the present. So many things have changed, and I’m trying to find an anchor point…  Things just feel a little off at work, with my relationships, and so forth. Maybe I’m being a silly ninny. Sel and I paddled out to a little pond in stupid swan boat. It was beautiful being on the water… We waited for the city lights to turn on, but decided to get pizza instead. She insisted I try her beer. Nope, alcohol still sucks. After a few sips and I got drunk. We drove a nice view and chilled there. I think I just need to stop thinking ahead. to move backwards, you have to move forward. I guess I’m just doing my best to move forward to the next step. Finally signed up for a GRE test, though they were pretty laggy on their end. Should study and finish up my personal statement soon.

Things are going… OH and I got to finish reading this romance novel. I’d be lying if I said I’m not hooked. There was a line that stuck with me. The woman character was saying how she wants to find someone who adores everything she is, and craves nothing that she isn’t. It made me think back, and maybe that’s a sign we were never meant to be. Maybe that’s true love there. But at the same time, maybe that’s just an idea of love instilled in us by dumb romance movies and our new entertainment overlord, Disney. The interesting thing about growing up is realizing people choose their illusions; there is no right or wrong choice either. Sure, it might fuck up your life, but who’s to say there’s one right frame of mind. Life’s interesting that way.

https://imgur.com/gallery/u2BJDYK

 

Our minds are programmed to remember negative things more than positive things. Maybe there’s something about survival in that. I want to reprogram my mind to remember positive things as well. And maybe cherishing the positive things is a luxury of thriving. But then again thriving is a stronger word than surviving.

To Be Alive

A hook to my face, I’m wobbly
A kiss to my neck, I’m smiling
PTSD. Depression. Anxiety.
A car on its back, teetering
shattered glass at my feet –
are you afraid of debt or death?
A life unlived, so much and so little
I want the prestige; I want a voice
I want all the things I denied myself.
That’s not my life -why the fuck not?

 

Flowing

I’m allowing myself to be surprised by life. For so long, I’ve been trying sail against the wind. So of course, things never felt like they flowed. I need to let go of things that don’t serve me anymore. Sadness. Fear. All dead things, anchors to the past. But I don’t know if I want to let go of how July 4th is one of your favorite holidays. Or that you like it when I run my fingers through your hair. Or that you like to rip your food into pieces (something I enjoy doing now too).

I tried killing my capacity to love. I tried hardening myself; the answer to my depression is to be braver, to work harder, and to ignore my feelings. At the same time, I think one of my best qualities is how much I feel, how much I love despite everything. I wanted to turn off all my emotions because I was tired of carrying this pain. But the answer is to my bear my cross, to fully feel my regrets, my anger, my sadness; and to finally accept and let them go. Anyways, there are a lot things to be excited for. There’s a new call to adventure.

It’s time I embrace my talents. I am an ordinary person, but if I can accept my ordinariness I can work to become extraordinary. Haha, I think the end of my self actualization is Professor Hulk. Looking back, I feel very fortunate to have taken the journey to find my masculinity. There’s a certain a freedom in it.

I finally admitted to my therapist that I wanted to dive into psychology. She shared my enthusiasm; she told me she wanted to tell me weeks ago -that I’d make a very good psychologist because of my past experiences, my desire to understand, my introspection and my empathy. Several others, including my boss, have told me this. The signs were there, and the costs of not taking the adventure have become too great. So I’m going after it.

I finally went on a date. It’s been a while, and this is after finally accepting that the best thing I can do for you is to let you go. You found your own life and love and happiness. I still debate whether I should give you a birthday gift, but the answer is no. I’d only complicate your life, which, and from very little that I know, sounds like it’s taking off. I’m extremely happy imagining you with someone loving, with your family, and newfound friends, jumping into your career. It’s really comforting.

We met at a bar in k-town. She’s beautiful, kinda fiery, and really sweet. Talked for a few hours, when she mentioned she always wanted to try crickets. Told her I knew exactly where to get them haha. While we waited for a lyft, we saw a couple arguing. The guy was getting physical, and I wanted to stop him. But she held me back, and told me that there’s nothing we can do. The lady will have to leave on her own terms…  because even if we did intervene, the girl would still be there tomorrow. I was surprised by her answer.

We went to the restaurant where we talked for hours waiting for a table, listening to the mariachi band. She’s pretty adventurous and carefree, emotionally way more stable than I am. Have I become more water-like? Couldn’t help thinking that I was there two years ago with different people. After, we heard about a night market from a lyft passenger. So we walked around there, won her a teddy pug, whom we’ve named Grillos. We headed back to my place, where we got high and talked some more. She noticed my hand, and held it. I told her I’d tell her when we knew each other more. She left later that night, and we have another date on Monday.

She’s beautiful, but a little insecure about how she looks. She’s pretty contradictory. She likes to eat, but she eats very little. She likes to keep to herself, but she’s adventurous and enjoys trying new things all the time. She’s the middle child in her family, and I think she felt a little ignored. When she saw my mirror full of crazy scribbles about how to improve myself, she remarked she does the same thing. I was pretty thankful to have cleaned up my room the morning before -thank you JP!

I’m trying to withhold my affection. Trying not to just display all my feelings, my excitement. I think I’m scared to try again, but this is just part of the journey, right? WEEWAH.

Just found out my neighbors have a new son! Things like this remind me that life is ongoing, flowing. I’m extremely happy to have found out.

 

 

 

 

Literal

Chaos Indian carpet in the yard
moonlight through summer haze
electric wiring right above my head
jump and grab them fire my synapses to life
dead dead dead dead inside

karate kicks and flips don’t wake me up

A man’s man’s man of man of manliness

Today I’m reflective of what it means to be a man. I guess it came from boxing class. One of the guys, who’s always calling everyone a pussy, was injured. This guy is a real meathead sometimes, who gets super aggressive during sparring. But we’ve gotten close since we always fight. Anyways, I kinda get why he’s the way he is. It seems like the only answer he had for life and all its shit was to fight back harder, to grit his teeth and to push through the pain. I imagine he came from a childhood that punished boys for being emotional or expressing being hurt. He bears the weight of his family, and so he has no choice but to act, hold everything in, and be stronger. I’m not saying these things are only true of men, but I do think it’s on the fringes of toxic masculinity – thus it must be a masculine problem.

I helped him stretch out his back. I’ve had a similar tightness, and I learned a lot of the problem stems from tight hamstrings, uneven legs, and an over dependence on the back muscles (rather than core). He was very thankful, and I got the feeling this dude doesn’t get people saying good job to him ever, or even trying to help him out. This might be projection, but I think I understand why he’s the way he is; I’ve felt that suffocating feeling before.

Being a man of my word is important; do what I say. There’s also this expectation to bear pain. To shrug off any attack as if they don’t hurt. To never let words hurt you. To be immovable. But the truth is the most masculine men are the most fragile. It’s all in the head, and it’s a spiral of self-hatred, self-denial, and constant pressure.

Removing Ego is important to a lot of things in life. But at the same time, Ego is important fuel for success… I shaved my beard and mustache, and many people have remarked I look like a 12 year old. Come on man! But I’m committed to this look for a while. Also my raw tattoo got punched today. OOF that was not fun.

BTW…

Hope you get to play this with your family. I’m just barking at the wind like a lunatic.

 

Musings by a Lake

Every time I dry my boxing wraps, they become a giant tangled ball of misery. With four ends bunched into knots, they’re always a bigger nuisance in my head. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit untangling them brings me peace. It’s almost mimetic of introspection. I can’t pull on each end. I have to follow a thread, drawing it from it knots and unraveling it from the others.

***

I picked up a novel about moving on, at least I thought it was about such. But it turns out to be this crazy adventure/finding oneself/romance novel. Romance novel… I was enjoying it until it became very descriptive about this dude’s muscular arms. Maybe it was a bit of repressed homophobia, but I was like aw man I don’t want to read about how his arms are inviting cradles for a woman long denied love. But it was about both the man and woman… two persons who denied themselves love because they’re recovering, injured, or trying to find some redeeming qualities in themselves. Is my true self a woman in her forties pinning for rekindling romance, swooning over a novel with a cup of coffee?! Whatever.

But from this book, I’m recognizing a certain connectedness in people’s experiences. People will find heartache in life. There will always be a loss of the ‘big love’ and then the inevitable comparison of loves. My feelings are not my own. This in turn is reflective of my ex’s feelings. The sadness I feel stems from an insecurity of how nothing of our 8 years amounted to anything for her; there were no salvaging moments or feelings, of which I’ve returned to as true happiness.  She wants nothing to do with me because the wounds are still too painful, our history too deep and sad for reconciliation. And they may always remain so… What I’m trying to say is the feelings are mutual, but our actions and choices differ. She has chosen silence, and in turn she has chosen herself. I have always wished that she chose herself. I always told her she should become her own person. Maybe it’s time I took my own advice.

The thing is I thought I have. After all my growth, I still choose her. At my worst, I’ve asked myself whether I simply wanted to love someone for the sake of loving. At my best, I answered no, I truly loved her with everything –right and wrong – I knew. At my clearest and purest self, I loved her for her.

But life goes on, and maybe it knows more about what we want than we do. Woah, calm the fuck down there – my teenage philosopher self is leaking.

 

***

A diamond faceted
souls of my soul refracted
varied strangers whom I’ve called upon
congregate on who I should be
our avatar, a saddened man
rank with smoke sweat and blood
–he is not enough; we are not enough
the boy tortured
the lover imprisoned
the warrior without a battle
master and slave in eternal disarray
a king without rule.
We are a man without meaning,
of longing for the halcyon,
of a person desirous
for freedom from disenchantment
To each, we say:

Give your sadness
Give your suffering
Sacrifice your identity
that we may begin anew.

The boy offered his body for destruction
the lover, his freedom
the master, his control
the slave, his shackles
the warrior, his hand
the king, his throne

Only then can we progress.

***

The sun and cigarettes have carved lines into my features. Side note, I should finally visit the Grand Canyon. Maybe spend a day and night in Vegas doing whatever the fuck I want: get a massage, eat some damn good food, and just wander. Maybe for my birthday

A Direction

Yesterday I asked for a raise and got a tattoo. A year ago, I was scared of a lot of things. I was lost and trying to make something of myself. For some reason, this tattoo had meditative effects on me. I decided to get a blue lobster holding a sword. Well a few hours in, I suddenly realized this lobster totally reminds me of you.  At first I was thinking about Jordan Peterson and his rules about lobsters. But then it got really personal.  It was based on a joke we had way back. It’s the auspicious lobster that was your blog name, haha. The tattoo didn’t hurt for the first 4 hours, but when I realized this it broke my concentration!

lobster

Well whatever. You are a great part of me. It sits next to my lion. It’s close to the cancer symbol, as the lion is my leo symbol. At first I was like NOOOOO, I’m trying to move on. But then I accepted it. I accepted the gnawing pain. I accepted the flesh being scraped away. Tattoos are very therapeutic and symbolic for me. During the session, I repeated to myself that if I can endure my depression and heartbreak for you every day, then this physical pain is little. Also it’s cool you endure pain and you get something tangible you think is beautiful. It’s change you can witness on yourself…

A year ago I didn’t face my deepest problems. I was safe with you. I’m not happy, but at least I became a person capable of change. I’m doing a lot actually. I’m doing amazing work at my job. I’m boxing at a world famous gym with really intense, great people. I’m finally in therapy trying to better myself. I do yoga! I get to take my family out and bring some joy to them in really shitty times. And I have all these tattoos on me now. I know I’m patting myself on the back too much, but I need to bring myself to the next step. I need to remind myself that I’ve built some personal credit. I have created a personality and infrastructure to keep changing. And the next step is really going to kick my ass.

I can’t just leap into chaos. I need to take one step at a time. JP always says you can’t destabilize your life completely or things will become terrible real quickly. So I’m going to go to school again. But I need it to be an online program. USC apparently has a good psychology masters program. I might be worried about cost, but I should recognize I have the ability to bring in money! That’s a large part of my job at work. I just have to apply it to myself now in the form of scholarships and grants. I already wake up at 5 AM. I can get use to studying/doing work after my job like I use to.

I just need to be braver.