I guess this is me lately

I am no longer a writer. It’s time to let go of this dream. It doesn’t make me happy anymore. I googled ‘how do you know when your dream has died’, ‘when your dream no longer makes you happy’, and ‘am I weak for giving up’. Two answers stayed with me. Someone said dreams and relationships are the same. Sometimes you have to let them die. But that doesn’t meant it was for nothing. Another person told a story about a monkey who had its hand stuck in a bowl because it wouldn’t let go a fruit. I guess I’m writing all this because all these things I said were me are no longer me. So who the hell am I now? Shrugs all around. Still… it’s hard for me to just leave writing. I can’t tell if it’s a lack of discipline or I’m being delusional.

I’m trying new things. Went to yoga class. It was quite nice and very different from the intensity of boxing. Still challenging. I don’t bend this way. I had a therapy session on Wednesday, and she seemed pretty helpful. I had the best sparring session yet. My lips and nose got cut up, but I was dodging punches unlike I ever could. It was exciting to see the punches miss your head and then you hit back. Oh and I guess I’m going to try to move out in June. Me and my coworker were talking and hopefully this works out –can’t handle crazy lady and I don’t want to be tyrant.

I just don’t want to hear her screaming her cats name every night. If you really care just watch your cat when you go out! Don’t just leave them out and then freak out hours later when they don’t come back. And stop leaving the door open. The bigass nats are going to get smacked by my books, and I don’t want to kill them even though they ugly. She keeps talking to them and talking about me to them. It’s weird. I don’t know man…. But lately I’ve been thinking and its kinda cold and harsh, but I need to watch out for who I let into my life. I’m rethinking my closest friends too… I want to be kind and respectful to everyone like this lady, but she crossed the line too many times. I sat with her one night and listened to how she fucked up her life. She kept asking about lily and my past as she looked through all of lily’s old beauty products. I said you could have them didn’t I? Isn’t that enough? She kept trying to say I didn’t try hard enough to win lily back, and how her life was so much harder than mine. She kept saying how she’s older than me and she knows so much. “You know what I can’t do this anymore. You might be older than me, but you don’t know shit about me. And you don’t know anything more than I do. I’m trying to be nice to you, but you have nothing for me and I want nothing from you. Goodnight.”

I confronted her one night when she kept screaming. I told her she needs to respect my space, but I could tell she got annoyed. I don’t want to be mean, but some people need to be pushed back. I let her blab on and I stared daggers at her until she got the message “are we going to have a fucking problem?” It made me feel sick to my stomach… It reminded me of how cruel I could be…

I was getting coffee at like 5 AM one morning, and this homeless guy asked me for change. Told him I didn’t have any on me, and he begged again. It’s for the bus he says. I sighed and said I’ll check my car. Found like two dollars worth in coins and gave it to him. And then this guy asks for more money for food. I got really mad then… I got up in his face then and asked him to repeat that shit again. Sorry sorry he said I’m sorry. He told me this stupid sob story. Fine, I said come inside I’ll buy you a meal. “I can’t go in there. People will see me.” Oh man I got really pissed then. “Fuck your pride. You want me to go in there buy you food and not eat myself, come back out to hand you the food because you’re embarrassed. Look at yourself. Look at how you’re asking me and you wanna talk about pride. Fuck you and your pride. If you want to eat, you eat on my terms.” Had to drag this motherfucker inside and eat with him. I don’t know… it was stupid. Got him some food and an old jacket in my trunk. I feel myself becoming angry and cold. I don’t want to be the one to say these things. There’s no helping some people… And maybe that’s how people feel about me… “Hey I’m sorry for lying. You really helped me out. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest. I really just needed food. This was really nice of you. And you listened to my story. It was the nicest thing someone did for me in a while.” The saddest part was I didn’t give a fuck…

I’m not a good person, so maybe I deserve all this stupid shit. I’m trying but the harder I try, the harder life seems to hit me back. I just want some relief…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I haven’t felt good for so long
Food hasn’t tasted good for so long
No one knows you
No one knows what you want
That’s what my friend told me
How lonely to live like this
But I fell off my track. I forgot
My life is suffering and pain
I wanted pleasure again
If I feel like this
How many more years will I have left
I asked my therapist
I keep waiting for that day
When I won’t be like this anymore
When I can have that afternoon
In your arms, falling asleep
The last I see is you
and nothing matters

 

LA skyline, predawn
all that glitters,
from the night
red dragons on the highway
crawl away from Eden
of another time and place
into the strange land
Hollywood, where
zombies kick trashcans
down the lanes
so you can’t drive;
everyone’s hurting.
Shadowed palms,
the cool breeze sweep
down cracked bourgeois streets
everyday until
I say goodbye
to all this,
what will I miss?

 

 

 

 

 

vent

Damaged people are drawn to damaged people. That’s what my sister told me. Alice took in a lady who was living in her car for the last few months. She’s my next door neighbor, and I can tell she’s hurting and lonely. She’s not connected to her family and lives with two cats. One night she was drugged out, and she needed to buy milk for whatever reason. I was tired but I agreed to take her. She gets on my nerves because she keeps leaving the door open letting in the bigass nats. I don’t want to kill them, but they keep swarming my room. She buys food and we occasionally smoke together. There’s a sadness to her, but she cares deeply.  That’s the kind of person I am. I’m better at conveying my frustrations without blowing up. I told her I was annoyed with her actions not her. That’d it’d be great if she can close the door. I spent one night catching her cats off the streets. This was after Sushi escaped and I spent 30 minutes looking for him. I got mad that night. It felt like… everyone around was a loser, and I was a loser then. For the last two weeks, I’ve been fixating on things I don’t have. My boss keeps throwing assignments at me, even after I scored 2000 new socks for the homeless. He noticed I was irritated and invited me to talk. I ended up crying. I haven’t cried for a while now. I told him about my parents’ situation. “I’m not ready to be an adult.” He really tried to help me. He recommended therapists and even offered to pay for a few session. “You’re a great kid, but sometimes you seem like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

I’ve been trying to find a new job. I just don’t feel stimulated from my job. I’m surprisingly good at getting donations, but i can’t see myself being here forever. Yudith got into Harvard, and I think I was measuring myself to her. I was really happy for her! I’m seriously proud of her and I called her up after she texted me. But it did make me reflect on how I’m not where I want to be… so I’ve been trying to think about school more, but debt is not something I should take lightly. Everyone around me has been a cautionary tale. So the last two weeks have been especially brutal. I’ve been thinking about everything I’m not. But then I read this buddhist thing about how disatisfaction stems from fixating on worrying about stuff you don’t have right now. Its true. I have a place to stay. I have clothes. I have family. I have a cool job, and my co-workers like me and look up to me. Maybe it’s not my time yet? I scheduled a therapy session for Wednesday.

It’s like I want to be better, but I don’t think my mind is ready for me to reach that? I keep eating sweets and smoking still. It feels like there’s two forces pulling at me. Like one’s just enjoy life. One’s like no life is suffering, embrace that your life is going to be painful.

I’m getting better at sparring. I was rolling from punches and blocking most of the hits. My jabs are surprisingly fast and I can land a few uppercuts and body shots. Still the recoil from blocking left a few bruises on head. Aziz was hitting me especially hard that one match. I went to work feeling light headed and I think the few days after, I felt… feral? I’m sure there’s something about getting smacked that makes you aggressive.

The last few weeks felt like my life was falling apart. I had a good one on one talk with Spencer after I texted him when I was tempted to smoke again. He said something insensitive again. It’s a weird thing to hear that he didn’t want to help me because of many of his insecurities. It’s just… weird confirming that he didn’t want to help me. He told me he thought I was always stronger than him and that I was ahead of him in life. I told him I saw us as equals but I needed him to be a good friend then. I think I felt weakened for a while. Feels like things have been chipping away at me.  We ended the conversation agreeing that we just express things differently, and that he’ll do better to be a better friend for me.

I had a thought recently. I got frustrated with Yudith… I told her I realized everyone I considered close in my life, they don’t seem to know me well. They don’t pay attention to the little details I do and when someone needs something. I guess I just wish people who put in the extra effort for me once in a while. I wish people can understand what I need sometimes. And I guess it’s a weird transitional time because I’m more vocal about it, but they’re not up for it because they’re used to me being low-maintenance. That sucks.

I guess I’m not in a great spot right now. I’m torn by finding a new job, sticking with writing, and maybe even going into school. I’m numb, but I’m felt better today just enjoying what I have.

 

 

Self-Love

I hate these terms. Self-love. Self-care. They make me cringe, but honestly I think I need to learn how to do this shit. It’s just self-hatred is so powerful. I did so much from that feeling, but it’s really not sustainable. I think I finally felt the wear and tear of this mindset. Yes, I do need to learn to master my mind and that’s through discipline, pain, and suffering. But I need to be wary of becoming an unfeeling, intimidating lump. And I think this is also a conversation on balancing pleasure and work. Too much pleasure leads to paranoia, uneasiness, depression, and anxiety. Too much work leads to anger, resentment, and unrealistic expectations.

Or maybe I’m defining self-love wrong. It’s not to say coddle myself. I mean loving someone is also helping them get through their shit right? Like telling someone who is problematic, depressed, and anxious that they’re OK is hellish to them. Because that means there’s no escaping their current situation. Maybe love is being real with someone… But I need to be wary of that too. Love is also acceptance. Maybe it’s acceptance of their flaws, and the desire to help them if they’re in pain and they need to want to change. Reading Buddhist text is calming. One should not impose their ideologies and perceptions onto anyone else. Again balance… I mean my dad just gave up on my mom and there’s no supporting her in her hell. I guess I went the other route where I over identified problems in my relationships and really tried to do something about them. But that was wrong too. The road to hell is paved with good intentions…

I asked Anne if she liked herself. She told me she sometimes doesn’t but generally she does. I told I never liked myself. Ever since I was a kid, I hated myself. I told her I always thought I would die by suicide. That at my most vulnerable state, I’m one mental breakdown from the tipping point.

How do I accept myself? Have I not been forthright? What are the proper sacrifices in life? Is school the right path when debt is looming over my entire adulthood. I mean how am I going to take on a house and support my family when the time comes. I wish someone can give me guidance, but maybe it’s time to stop being a bitch. “God gives you what you can handle.”

Reckless

I’ve been flying down the freeways. My bumper got tore off because I backed up into a pole. My tire exploded as I ran over a pothole. Today, I put my head down while my car was getting checked, and I bumped the car in front me of me. Haha, I think I’m a recipe for disaster. Still, I think I’m taking things in a stride. Nothing is scarier than being in the ring. Nothing is more painful than the work outs I put myself through. Cut my hand opened and didn’t bother me one bit. Blood poured out , but it wasn’t anything compared to getting 5 hr tattoos or burning my hand. I guess I’m tougher now.

I had a great day. I think it’s because I was bringing happiness to many people. I went on a date, but got catfished. She was a very kind and lonely person. We ended up talking for hours, and I think she felt better after. Saw Khari after and took him out the house since it’s been a stressful time in his life. I’m happy I was able to talk to him through some shit he was working through. I never thought I could give him advice on things since I always held him in such high regard. I was on the fence to eat with my family, but I found out Anne was leaving for a month. Took them out to eat. They were happy, and Anne and I finally connected on a deeper level. She’s been going through a hard time. We talked about how fucked up our childhood was. We talked about how we’re not angry at our parents, but it still fucks with us; and we’re dealing with the wreckage. We talked about how we hated our home but now we’re losing it, we feel really sad. So many bad memories there, but it was ours… I got her some high quality weed and we talked the whole night. Now she’s off with her new boyfriend to her rotation. It was really nice having someone who understood what I went through. I just didn’t think I’d get it from my sister since we drifted.

I was so high I didn’t have a filter… And somewhere during the conversation I talked about you. “I’m worried I ruined men for her. I hate myself because I was just everything mom was to us. I just her to be happy, to find a person who will love her right.”

“It takes a lot for you to try to change. It shows a lot of character. I know so many people who don’t even try to change their past. You can’t do anything about you did. But it’s really amazing you’re trying to grow.”

We both teared up about how much we were abused, but we’re also finally able to laugh about it. We laughed a lot. Maybe it was the weed.

I’m feeling…more balanced.

 

 

 

 

Quit

I tried to quit Frank Ocean
No more sad songs
Like how I tried to quit cigarettes
No more sad habits
But I’m addicted to sadness
Because I’m just numb
unfeeling and empty without you.
I need a reality check
because I can get stuck in my head
for days, and I don’t want to be here for another year.
I haven’t found peace
I haven’t found another you
and I can’t seem to quit you.