She’s not the one & I’m a little dead inside

I made her fish tacos, which I’m surprised came out really well. We had a picnic by a lake. Then we went to the Rose Bowl, where we walked around the entrance’s fairgrounds. She’s quite the eater so we got nachos, popcorn, lemonade, and other snacks. We hiked up to this neighborhood where a bunch of people were waiting for fireworks. When the first one exploded, I recoiled because it was so close! She curled up next to me during the fireworks show, but things simply didn’t feel right. She’s not the one for me. We ended the night agreeing we weren’t looking for anything serious. And that’s the last time I’ll see her.

In order to find the right partner, you have to first know the qualities you need her to have. Well I’ve been thinking about this and I would appreciate these things in a woman: punctuality (time is valuable because you can’t have it back), compassion, a strong sense of self, open-mindedness, a giving nature, independence. My therapist said in order to find these things, you have to manifest these aspects in yourself. Although I’ve always been orientated to search for love in life, I do think I have to focus on developing myself in all directions. Maybe I need to let the hopeless romantic part of me die. It always seems like I’ll find something when I stop looking for it.

Some lessons in life I’ve stumbled across:

-People are out for their own interests (a situation of mutual benefit is ideal)
-Demeanor and outlook are crucial to how one’s life plays out
-Pain can be overridden
-Fear, depression, anxiety are biological problem-solving mechanisms
-Confrontation and conflicts are inevitable – better to be a samurai in a garden than a gardener in a war field
-Expect the worst and hope for the best
-Caring less and doing more is a good solution for me
-I exist separately internally and externally; the only way to bridge the two is to live truthfully to who I am
-A person only has 1 life, and that should mean a person should live that life in every way he wants to live that life (unless that entails intentionally hurting others, or bringing pain to others).
-Try something before saying it’s not for you…
-Letting people help you can be an act of compassion

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Idolatry

A statue sat in the center of town. No one really knew much about her. There are stories of how the town’s people erected the statue of her before buildings. Every morning, the Alanoids would walk to her and pay tribute with flowers and prayers. Some more religious Alanoids would prostrate before her. Cats with bow ties would stalk about the town center, meowing, with canes curled about their tails. For a few emotionally distracted Alanoids, they would perform a dance for some food.

“The town’s crumbling.” Some would say. “But she’ll fix everything when she returns.”

On the edge of town, a jet landed. Moses leaped out of his carrier, and looked about the landscape. The town was crumbling… He had flown about the outer perimeter, and below the town, chunks of the land would break off. As he watched the disintegration of his hometown, he thought it looked like a piece of pastry being picked at. How much longer before the town collapsed back to earth? And what would remain? Don’t sacrifice something alive for something that has died. “She’s not coming back…”

***

She laid in bed, trying to cover her small breasts. No, I like them. She smiled and then traced her fingers over my body. This is the point of no return. Everything from 8 years is now condensed to little specks of knowledge -how to act, how not to act, what to do when you’re like this, when to walk away, how to make a girl happy in bed. She’ll never know how bad you got. She’ll just know who you are now… And you’re worried if she’ll still like you if you ever relapsed. Because who could like you when you’re like that?

***

The floor growled. The Alanoids held their breaths until the town went silent. The relief was palpable. Some laughed. Some began to gather their families. Some immediately ran to the statue. They prayed and prayed, begging for forgiveness. Sunlight illuminated her. She had a become a beacon… But who among the Alanoids could tell you of her actual features? Beautiful, they’d say. And of her character? A Goddess who could do no wrong.

Moses watched from afar. Leave, he wanted to scream to them! She has abandoned us! He wanted to tell them he had seen her among the distant stars. He had seen her among moving faces in different worlds. She was there next to him, aboard that train shuttering between light and darkness. And when he reached for her hand, he felt the cold, plastic seat. He was just as hopeless…

***

“You’re mourning her.” She stared at me with sudden realization and sympathy.

“No, that’s silly. I mean she’s still alive. It’s just… It’s just she’s really gone. And I’m being silly. I mean it’s already been a year. I just thought I could be faithful.”

“You could try reaching out to her, can’t you?”

“I have. But she didn’t respond. I understand. After what I’ve done. In a way, it makes me happy she hasn’t.”

***

Screams. Screams. Screams. Blood. Dying. Dead things.

***

We laid next to one another, gasping. It was my first time with someone else… I’m aware of how women look at me. But I’m of a stupid breed of men, who can’t separate love from sex. I don’t know why it shook me to my core. I don’t know why it affected me so much. There’s no return from this. She asked how many women I’ve been with. I was hesitant to say because I was afraid all my feelings would overflow.

***

Death had fallen from the sky and strewn itself on earth. Moses landed his craft. Among the wreckage, there was the glimmer. His eyes knew what to search for. Did it matter that the statue stood in alien territory? What would they make of her? Only he knew of her, and what he knew has become a thing of the past.

 

 

 

 

 

When Your Dogs Forget Me

Hello how are you. I miss you. Are your dogs OK? I miss them. I have a memory of running around your neighborhood looking for Bebe before we were anything, before we were close. There’s a lot I want to say to you but I know I’ll forget everything. Has the day come when you’ve forgotten me? Time marches on. I was a fool. I use to think life was too sad if we weren’t together. Do you still hate me so much? My hands are dirty. I’ve done some terrible things. I left you crying for too many nights. I’d still give you my life to make things right. But that’s not up to me. I guess my journey’s not over. I haven’t felt whole for a long time. Today I stood up too quickly and I saw Halo almost asleep in her bed, smiling, breathing deeply. Time is weird. Some days I think I deserve a life of loneliness.

***

Meh. I need to remind myself that I don’t have to be sad when I don’t need to be! WABLAM!

lizard

Something happened something duh

I went to a party. Even the initial drive there was really unsettling… First this guy abruptly stepped out of his car out of nowhere to slap stickers all along a wall. I’m behind him, wondering what the fuck he was doing – his car is fucking parked in front of mine, on the open road in the right lane. Then we’re going again, and this other guy is driving weirdly. He’s swerving and braking randomly, switching lanes frantically. Turns out he’s getting handjob from some lady. And what do you know sticker guy and handjob dude create a blockade so I gotta chill behind them. Anyways, parking is impossible because everyone parks in a way so their family or friends can park there later. I park rather far, and out of nowhere this fucking grown middle aged man sobs in a way no man should be; it sounded like someone just cut off his arm. I walk by and he’s just drinking a beer with his friends. So I’m trying to find the party, and on the sidewalk there’s a dead cat. I hear sirens approaching. And I remember thinking I’m going to get mugged here.

Party was cool. Talked to some other writers, and it was really different being in their head space, talking about the creative process. I got too high, and left the party at 1 AM? Again, sirens going. This is when I realized I don’t remember the street I was on. I walked down the wrong street for 20 minutes, realizing this I turn back only to realize I was on the right street. I just walked past my car. Again, some random guy pulls up next to me and just screams FUCK at the top of his lungs. This was it! I was like this is it, someone’s going to mug me. I’m in boxing position, horrified, ready to fight for my life. He just drives away, slowly, as if he didn’t just do that…  My heart is pounding, and I’m thinking my car got broken into, or someone had it towed. At last I get to my car and whatdoyouknow my phone died. So I’m just backtracking. Long story short, I’m alive; parties in the valley should be avoided at all cost.

***

I’m looking for someone who knows hurt like I do. That’s a weird thing to say. But I want someone not so innocent, someone who has looked deeply into herself and realized something abhorrent. But then again, happy is good too haha. I want to just be accepting I suppose. But maybe that’s just not who I am…  Things are weird right now. I had this thought driving. It’s like we are predisposed to certain things. These things are of our interests, and they are almost like fate driven, something divine. We’re attracted to things that under the close scrutiny of a microscope were out of our control – our environment, our parents, our mentor figures, our mental state and well being. So we’re at the mercy of external factors, and that’s by default.

But then recognizing it is where having free will kicks in. And that’s something amazing. You’ve identified a problematic area and you work to counteract those impulses and default modes. You relapse, but then you keep pushing incrementally towards another version of yourself and that somehow changes you… I suppose here’s where I get caught in a loop between free will and fate. People can always argue that your change was fated, but I don’t know… I think one of my best qualities is my ability to change, and that was a brutal thing earned. The more people I meet, the more weird and different I feel. I’ve wondered if this is fucking vanity thing, but people have told me I’m unlike anything they know…

What am I saying here? I’m saying I’m lonely. This isn’t humble bragging. I’m saying… what if I’ll never find someone capable of understanding me the way I need to be understood. I mean I’m really complicated. There’s so many sides and personalities to me… to everyone. Of course, there’s always going to be a disconnect between two people no matter how familiar they become, and that bridge is probably impossible to build. WOOOO, anymore of this is detrimental to my happiness. Time to numb numb.

 

 

 

 

hwee hwee

My therapist had teary eyes for me. I was talking to her about how I would watch the airplanes every night with the fear that my dad’s plane would blow up. He started leaving for China after 9/11, and it was a constant fear of mine. Among other things such as my mom’s complete reversal of affection then abuse. We talked a lot about how Anne and I differ. How the trajectory of our growth depended on how we saw and felt our parent’s love, or the lack thereof.

You could have turned out way worse. How do I know I really did change?

I’ve been feeling a little strange. As if I’m on the cusp of being all right. But it’s just not there. Something feels amiss…  Is it just a sad reality that 8 years can condense into fragmented memories and feelings? I asked my therapist.  I’m happy with Sel, but it might just be the high of dating someone. And to be honest, I don’t think it’s going to last… Do we just love a little less with each new partner? Am I simply unlovable? That’s not even the right question. It seems I can be with many kinds of people. But who can love me the way I need to be loved? How do you need to be loved then…

I had four sparring sessions with two strangers this week. The truth is I’m not a fighter; I pull my punches when I land them. But I’m moving well, moving quick. My uppercut and footwork is really coming along; the flow state is coming in quicker as I evade and roll punches. The left hook is made for you! I’m watching Tyson videos, and taking moves from great fighters. Countering is really efficient, but I need work on that. Angles and constant movement seem key.

I know being in the present is really important. But I don’t really recognize myself when I’m in the present. So many things have changed, and I’m trying to find an anchor point…  Things just feel a little off at work, with my relationships, and so forth. Maybe I’m being a silly ninny. Sel and I paddled out to a little pond in stupid swan boat. It was beautiful being on the water… We waited for the city lights to turn on, but decided to get pizza instead. She insisted I try her beer. Nope, alcohol still sucks. After a few sips and I got drunk. We drove a nice view and chilled there. I think I just need to stop thinking ahead. to move backwards, you have to move forward. I guess I’m just doing my best to move forward to the next step. Finally signed up for a GRE test, though they were pretty laggy on their end. Should study and finish up my personal statement soon.

Things are going… OH and I got to finish reading this romance novel. I’d be lying if I said I’m not hooked. There was a line that stuck with me. The woman character was saying how she wants to find someone who adores everything she is, and craves nothing that she isn’t. It made me think back, and maybe that’s a sign we were never meant to be. Maybe that’s true love there. But at the same time, maybe that’s just an idea of love instilled in us by dumb romance movies and our new entertainment overlord, Disney. The interesting thing about growing up is realizing people choose their illusions; there is no right or wrong choice either. Sure, it might fuck up your life, but who’s to say there’s one right frame of mind. Life’s interesting that way.

https://imgur.com/gallery/u2BJDYK

 

Our minds are programmed to remember negative things more than positive things. Maybe there’s something about survival in that. I want to reprogram my mind to remember positive things as well. And maybe cherishing the positive things is a luxury of thriving. But then again thriving is a stronger word than surviving.

To Be Alive

A hook to my face, I’m wobbly
A kiss to my neck, I’m smiling
PTSD. Depression. Anxiety.
A car on its back, teetering
shattered glass at my feet –
are you afraid of debt or death?
A life unlived, so much and so little
I want the prestige; I want a voice
I want all the things I denied myself.
That’s not my life -why the fuck not?

 

Flowing

I’m allowing myself to be surprised by life. For so long, I’ve been trying sail against the wind. So of course, things never felt like they flowed. I need to let go of things that don’t serve me anymore. Sadness. Fear. All dead things, anchors to the past. But I don’t know if I want to let go of how July 4th is one of your favorite holidays. Or that you like it when I run my fingers through your hair. Or that you like to rip your food into pieces (something I enjoy doing now too).

I tried killing my capacity to love. I tried hardening myself; the answer to my depression is to be braver, to work harder, and to ignore my feelings. At the same time, I think one of my best qualities is how much I feel, how much I love despite everything. I wanted to turn off all my emotions because I was tired of carrying this pain. But the answer is to my bear my cross, to fully feel my regrets, my anger, my sadness; and to finally accept and let them go. Anyways, there are a lot things to be excited for. There’s a new call to adventure.

It’s time I embrace my talents. I am an ordinary person, but if I can accept my ordinariness I can work to become extraordinary. Haha, I think the end of my self actualization is Professor Hulk. Looking back, I feel very fortunate to have taken the journey to find my masculinity. There’s a certain a freedom in it.

I finally admitted to my therapist that I wanted to dive into psychology. She shared my enthusiasm; she told me she wanted to tell me weeks ago -that I’d make a very good psychologist because of my past experiences, my desire to understand, my introspection and my empathy. Several others, including my boss, have told me this. The signs were there, and the costs of not taking the adventure have become too great. So I’m going after it.

I finally went on a date. It’s been a while, and this is after finally accepting that the best thing I can do for you is to let you go. You found your own life and love and happiness. I still debate whether I should give you a birthday gift, but the answer is no. I’d only complicate your life, which, and from very little that I know, sounds like it’s taking off. I’m extremely happy imagining you with someone loving, with your family, and newfound friends, jumping into your career. It’s really comforting.

We met at a bar in k-town. She’s beautiful, kinda fiery, and really sweet. Talked for a few hours, when she mentioned she always wanted to try crickets. Told her I knew exactly where to get them haha. While we waited for a lyft, we saw a couple arguing. The guy was getting physical, and I wanted to stop him. But she held me back, and told me that there’s nothing we can do. The lady will have to leave on her own terms…  because even if we did intervene, the girl would still be there tomorrow. I was surprised by her answer.

We went to the restaurant where we talked for hours waiting for a table, listening to the mariachi band. She’s pretty adventurous and carefree, emotionally way more stable than I am. Have I become more water-like? Couldn’t help thinking that I was there two years ago with different people. After, we heard about a night market from a lyft passenger. So we walked around there, won her a teddy pug, whom we’ve named Grillos. We headed back to my place, where we got high and talked some more. She noticed my hand, and held it. I told her I’d tell her when we knew each other more. She left later that night, and we have another date on Monday.

She’s beautiful, but a little insecure about how she looks. She’s pretty contradictory. She likes to eat, but she eats very little. She likes to keep to herself, but she’s adventurous and enjoys trying new things all the time. She’s the middle child in her family, and I think she felt a little ignored. When she saw my mirror full of crazy scribbles about how to improve myself, she remarked she does the same thing. I was pretty thankful to have cleaned up my room the morning before -thank you JP!

I’m trying to withhold my affection. Trying not to just display all my feelings, my excitement. I think I’m scared to try again, but this is just part of the journey, right? WEEWAH.

Just found out my neighbors have a new son! Things like this remind me that life is ongoing, flowing. I’m extremely happy to have found out.