Things I need to work on

“The worst thing that can happen to a man is becoming civilized.”

I have to remember I am alive for myself foremost. I must strive to improve myself, but I must be in tune to myself. I must understand when I’m doing something against myself. Something I had planned for months fell through. I was absolutely destroyed. I smoked an entire pack of cigarettes and I told Spencer about how they fucked up 3 times. I didn’t get mad until they called the 3rd time, telling me they messed up. I raised my voice. I apologized and told them I don’t blame them; that I’ll take the refund. Spencer was able to give me some insight. He told me perhaps I was placing too much emphasis on that one thing, and that it won’t affect whether you’ll come back or not.

It was a difficult night. I felt entirely lost. But then, the next day I felt clearer. It did feel as if I didn’t learn anything from these few months. I was so focused on that one thing, and I don’t think it would have shown you how much I’ve changed. I should be living for myself. And I thought about it… perhaps it wasn’t something you would actually want in the first place! So I hatched another plan, which I think makes a lot more sense. It’s something I think you’ll enjoy a lot more… I finally got my haircut, which I was stupidly holding off for you. I went out to eat with Spencer -something I haven’t done for a while. And I explored on my own for a bit, meeting Peter who taught me how to flagpole. I found my balance again.

Things I want to do: get a forearm tattoo, take up boxing, keep working out, keep reading challenging literature, and work harder at my job. Life is as good as I make it.

It’s weird that life is just this constant dialogue between the self, this constant attempt to find balance and truth…

The law of efforts aggregated: things done consistently will yield more results than things done sparsely, intensely.

Winter Jacket

In the November cold,
I wrap myself in your jacket,
goosefeathered, light and soft
as the sun rises
above post rainclouds sweeping
over the cars
My favorite, your arms
around me, your embrace still with me–
do you still wear mine?

Nights like this I try to find meaning
Nights like this I wonder if I’m plain unlucky
Nights like this I ask if I failed the test
Nights like this I think the universe is telling me no
Nights like this I remind myself I can’t choose fate

11/23/2018

I suppose I have a story now

 

A Dream, Excerpt from Carl Jung’s Red Book, My Last Thanksgiving at Home

In my dream, I met your brother. He was crying. He told me that he missed you and I being together. He told me that you were kissing other men. I then received an angry voicemail from you. You asked what I was doing? Why I was doing all these silly things like writing these sad posts? Or why I was setting myself up to be disappointed and hurt by asking you to meet me? I was hurt by this. I love you was the answer. Why else would I choose to be hurt every day…?

I woke up, confused and weakened. It felt like I had to rethink my growth and my ideas of change. I wandered to Lee’s in a daze. I’ve been reading some of Jung and ideas of the anima, the feminine side of male unconsciousness. I’m trying to figure out this dream. Was this my unconsciousness telling me to let you go? I know that your family doesn’t want me to be with you anymore. I want you to be with someone your family loves and accepts. I want to become that man… I mean that’s the downfall of Gatsby -becoming something for someone else, someone of the past. From what I know of Anthony’s personality, he most likely doesn’t think about stuff like this. Nor would he be emotional about me. I think in my dream, he represents a childish version of myself (I always wanted to help him because I realized the core of his problems were similar to problems I faced). But in my dream he was sad and emotional about something I have no longer have control over. Something about that speaks to the futility of all this.

You, being my anima in my dream, was upset at me. I think that’s my unconsciousness confronting me about how I am still living my life for you, rather than myself… I’m so torn. I developed so much. I fought through so much. And I want nothing more than to be reunited with you. I looked into myself, the ugliest part of myself and I’m conversing with him to become better…. I incorporated my shadow. But now I have to confront and incorporate my anima. I don’t think I’m at the Eve stage. I don’t think I’m at the Helen stage either. I think I’m at the Mary stage where I know I can only find completeness and happiness in myself, and that extends to my partner and other people. Perhaps that’s why my anima was mad at me. I have been basing my happiness on you again.

I think I have to accept that I still want you, but rather than hurt over it, I should find happiness and solace in it. And on that day, I’ll know your choice. I feel better. I need to live my life. Jung did write live yourself… May each seek his own way

May each seek his own way

If you are boys, your God is a woman. If you are women, your God is a boy. If you are men, your God is a maiden. The God is where you are not. So: it is wise that one has a God; this serves for your perfection. A maiden is the pregnant future. A boy is the engendering future. A woman is: having given birth. A man is: having engendered. So: if you are childlike beings now, your God will descend from the height of ripeness to age and death. But if you are developed beings, having engendered or given birth, in body or in soul, so your God rises from the radiant cradle, to the incalculable height of the future, to the maturity and fullness of the coming time. He who still has his life before him is a child. He who lives life in the present is developed. If you thus live all that you can live, you are developed. He who is a child in this time, his God dies. He who is developed in this time, his God continues to live.
The spirit of the depths teaches this mystery. Prosperous and woeful are those whose God is developed! Prosperous and woeful are those whose God is a child! What is better, that man has life ahead of him, or that God does? I know no answer. Live; the unavoidable decides. The spirit of the depths taught me that my life is encompassed by the divine child. From his hand everything unexpected came to me, everything living. This child is what I feel as an eternally springing youth in me.  In childish men you feel the hopeless transience. All that you saw passing is yet to come for him. His future is full of transience. But the transience of the things coming toward you has never yet experienced a human meaning. Your continuing to live is a living onward. You engender and give birth to what is to come, you are fecund, you live onward. The childish is unfruitful, what is to come to him is what already has ‘been engendered and already withered. It does not live onward.

Last night is my final thanksgiving at my childhood home. I asked Spencer and his mom to come over to eat with my family. I realized that for the longest of time, my parents had no friends. This is very unhealthy, and something I need to watch out for when I’m old. People need other people. Well Spencer’s mom and my parents were able to talk about Taiwan’s politics, a very important election is coming up. Anne came back home and she’s talking to my parents again despite very heated disagreements. I think I was able to dispel some anger on her side… Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. It’s bittersweet that it took losing our home for my family to openly express love for one another. There are things I will change about my family by changing myself.

A Link Between Us

song for poem

I hear a calling across my lifetimes
to awaken; to find you.
What castle have you ventured to now?
Where will I find your heart now?
Through the temples, I found courage
the deserts, myself
and the woods, my purpose
across the highlands, across the Great Sea
in all the pottery, nothing of you
but a link between us
I lie awake with the stars, by the sleeping fire
Can you hear the grass shift,
the snow fall atop the mountains,
and the clouds sailing where we flew side by side
Are you shrunken inside the smallest cranny?
Is the moon falling upon your world?
I have asked the winds with song
they point to every direction
but nowhere to you.
Listen! Listen to my heart!
Follow my heart
Of all the battles fought
treasures won, and the friends made
this is for the link between us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Acid Trip Epiphany Articulated – Happiness

There is no higher state of happiness; the things we think would make us happier, maybe money or love, are exactly that because they are inaccessible. We are infatuated with the idea of chasing happiness. The things we want are the things we can’t in anyway, in the next moment, obtain. It’s like I wish I had a thousand dollars, but obviously I won’t get that any time soon.  Well I think happiness becomes layered then. First layer, I think of what tangibly, materialistically, and realistically obtainable would provide me happiness: a nice cup of Lee’s coffee, a cigarette in the morning haze, maybe sex. But then these things are fleeting moments of happiness as well. The energy from caffeine has ran its course. The cigarette burned out. The orgasm reached. We’re down another layer now. If these things can only provide momentary happiness, then what is a more stable form happiness? It becomes obvious nothing of the flesh and senses. Happiness then becomes a wrangle with the psyche because it is immaterial. Self acceptance. Self development. The Self. Conversations about emotions and psychological development are intensely gratifying for me because they seem to address the problem itself. It is surrender to your circumstance. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for growth. It’s just happiness at the present, which is oddly the only form of happiness we can experience. So I guess a person should relieve themselves of chasing happiness. Love oneself. Love the people in our lives. Love our disastrous situation. But then keep improving. Keep sowing seeds for happiness…

Affinity

I really like the word affinity. It’s a word that implies each person has an inherent programming towards something. It’s a word that speaks to the uniqueness in every one. It’s a word that evokes a journey of self-realization.

Life is good. A cup of coffee in the sunlight. A few hours of writing and reflecting. I like talking to old people and listening to their stories.