Watch My Resentment

I forgot to bring extra socks. Putting on sweaty, old socks is the worst feeling. Been asthmatic recently, maybe it’s allergies. Maybe it’s the cigarettes. Smoked a bunch on Friday because my tire blew out and it was a rough day with the gala coming. I should be thankful I have the resources to take care of these problems though. Everything is paid for, and I’m good. Took my parents to eat, and I felt happy and at peace for the first time in a while. It was kinda endearing seeing how happy the food made my mom and dad.

I’ve been annoyed with people around me, especially when I see they don’t help others on their own. I get annoyed when they talk a lot about themselves and say things to bolster their image of themselves. I get annoyed when they talk shit about people for trivial reasons. I need to watch these resentment because I’m letting my desire to grow consume me. I need to recognize these are aspects in me as well: selfishness, vanity, the need to put others down.  That’s being human after all…

Today I fought through my asthma during boxing. Oh it was terrible. I was coughing phlegm but I pushed through. Need to internalize moments like this to remember I can always give and endure more. 12 double unders in a row, filed my taxes for the first time, and reading Shakespeare even though it confuses me, dancing salsa even though I’m super self-conscious and holding a woman scares the shit out of me.

My coach got in my face when we were having a planking competition. It always comes down to me and this amazing old man, Jim. Fucking Jim. We were 10 minutes into planking and I was shaking like crazy. His words are burned into my ears.  “Alan you can’t beat him. You’re weak. But this is when you can change your life. Right here. You’re shaking. He’s fine. My bet’s on Jim, guys. If you give up now, Alan, you can take a break, eat a nice breakfast. Don’t you want a break? The hurt will go away.” I spluttered “there is no break!” I hanged on for as long as I could, but then he fucking pulls out a 5lb weight and he was going to put it on my back. I caved in. I wasn’t committed 100% to breaking myself.

“What are you training for?”

“Life.” I finally understand I’m training my mind, not my body.

But I need to be wary. Recently I’ve been too focused on physical output. Like writing 1000 words. I should just be writing the best work I can that day. As for my mental state, I think I’m longing for love and to love. I want to find that feeling for home as well.

Last night I had a vivid dream. I was back at your house, and went through each and every room and saw everyone there. We were in each other’s arms and looking at each other. There was sunlight on your face and you smiled at me and did that thing when you cross your eyes. I saw Anthony playing on the computer. I saw your parents watching TV together. Steph and Alvin were sitting in their bed. I went downstairs to Mr. Zhang and Lu Lu. Halo and BeBe were sitting together. Haha I woke up to a dark room and screamed at my alarm clock, I’M AWAKE!

I had an epiphany one day. Everyone will lose his lover eventually. This is something everyone will feel one day. This is not solely my pain. And the truth is we weren’t happy anymore. I did a lot of bad things. But I finally acted virtuous when I let you go, even though I gave back into those urges so many times. Thank you for being brave and respecting yourself to move on. Because I wanted to go back so many times. It was necessary. Looking back, it was the only answer after all the trauma. You will find a great, better love, and maybe there’s hope for me too.

The truth is I just want to go home. I want to return to something that doesn’t exist. It was so easy to make you my world. I need to watch out for that. I can’t just download all my problems onto someone else. I need to be virtuous because I falter. I need to be strong because I am weak. I need to be ok with being alone. No one will save me. No one gives a fuck. I am my own best bet.

“The man obsessed with succeeding has already failed.”

“the warrior burns himself out. He longs to put down his sword and to return home.”

 

 

 

 

I realize I have no connection to where I am and the people around me anymore. Maybe it’ll be better that I leave for good, move away for good. I still haven’t found the kind of relationships that push me forward. It’s been all on my own, and that’s amazing! I’m no longer afraid of driving. I can talk to anyone. I’m in the best shape of my life. I walk with confidence and my writing has been getting better. I’m incredibly hard working, and I feel as if I’m becoming uncommon among common people now. But no one helped cultivate this in me. It was just me… I think I’m longing for people to inspire me to better things, rather than always becoming that who inspires others. Is that a sign of a weakness? Maybe as David Goggins puts it, I want to be uncommon among the uncommon. I want to test my limits and be with people who have that same drive. I don’t see that around me… There’s just a lot of insecurity and people who won’t be honest with themselves, people who are really egotistic. Am I upset about this because I’m denying these aspects in myself again? I think I need today to just be alone and stew. Also i need to quit smoking. Sometimes i think it makes me more interesting as a person, but that’s stupid and weak shit.

Hope you’re doing well

Worth the listen if you’re feeling down. Whatever you’re going through, you can get past it.  He talks about overcoming abuse and a traumatic past. He really changed how I saw life and how my days go.

I box hard for 2 hrs before work, breaking my body everyday.
I work my ass off at work. Carrying heavy shit. Taking on more responsibilities. But those cookies are always a temptation…  Just scored another donation.
After work, I write for 2 & 1/2 hours.

People are looking to me as an example now. People are doing push ups with me at work. They’re jumping rope after work. People tell me I’m hardcore and people acknowledge me. My writing is getting attention. The best part is I don’t care. I finally understand I’m against myself. Be honest with yourself. Face your trauma.

I wasn’t self-pitying myself with my previous posts. I really did have to kill my previous self.  I’m not him anymore. And you don’t have to be who you were anymore either. We gotta be better. That’s our debt to each other; that’s what we both wish for.  Like I feel sad, but I’m just a sad person. I accept that and I know what I have to do to watch out for it. Don’t let the bad thoughts take over your mind. You’re better than the trauma I put you through. You’re loving, creative, and incredibly enduring. You’re compassionate and you’re the one person I know who has a bigger heart than me.

Eat not always because you’re hungry, but eat because you need to be strong to get through shit. It’s a lot better than a panic attack. You gotta sleep too. You know all this.  Good luck, bruh.

 

Tinder Dates

Girls with septum piercings will ruin your life
crazy girls who want to cheat
boring girls who think I’m a safe bet, 1st date
insecure, insecure, low self-esteem
these aren’t the people I want in my life
Girls I won’t call back
got me thinking I’m better off alone
why I gotta drop money on you
when I can buy myself new threads
All you people got me jaded
but the truth is I’m lonely
and I keep going back to this dumb app
I think it’s time I take a sabbatical
get high and sit on the beach kinda thing
too bad it’s been rainy
I’m good though, I’ve been hitting my goals
I’m as good as can be.

About your dream

I’m worried about you. I was about to sleep when I realized you might be confronting your animus. It sounds like you’re having a lot of dreams. I really got into Carl jung and he delves into dreams and how they can be signals for your psyche and your development.

He says you must first face your shadow, which embodies qualities in yourself that you repress, deny, or don’t like. For ex my shadow was my anger, aggression, vanity, and a sense of self. It sounds like you are more outspoken and less timid, more extroverted so maybe you met your shadow already from your Vegas trip and life shit.

Now the animus is different because it deals with your masculine qualities and how you perceive males. Confronting the animus is considered a bigger ordeal than the shadow. And it can make you better or it can destroy you if you let it. I think that’s why you’re having panic attacks. Facing the animus/anima is really scary shit. And often it causes projection. Like how you think other guys will hit you. But they won’t. Not all men will be abusive to you like I was.

But I highly recommend you read the stages of meeting the animus. Jung wrote about a woman patient who had horrible dreams of men attacking her. I don’t remember the details but it all goes back to the self. There is an aspect of your masculine traits and how you perceive males that you need to put into question. You need to confront and face something about yourself in regards to males.  The animus also transforms from different stages depending on your relationship with it. I do believe the first stage deals with being hurt by men or taken advantage?

View at Medium.com

View at Medium.com

http://www.jungatlanta.com/articles/summer10-anger-in-animus-development.pdf

But I really hope this helps. All this stuff is really painful and can be disturbing. I really hope you see a psychologist or a therapist as you self reflect.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/kellybristow.com/2018/05/18/the-anima-animus-the-lovers-dance-within-and-without/amp/

All this stuff takes a lot of self reflection and meditation. Make sure you watch out for your physical needs. Work out, eat, drink water and sleep.